I got to know, grief.
I got to know grief.
I know how afraid grief makes you of the quiet, of the dark.
I know that it will wake you up at 3:00AM you may walk in circles crying, drive to your parents house and climb into bed with your mother.
How grief makes your mind work so hard to stay out the depths.
How grief makes you cling to every small memory.
How his cloths are like life's breath and how I wished every conversation was penned down and you will keep him in this world for as long as you can.
They say that the depths. of grief represent the fullness of our love. For me that feels bottomless.
I know how grief will knock the wind out of you.
I know how grief will make you avoid parties and phone calls because if you just stay here, suspended in the moment, maybe life won't go on.
Maybe you will never again have to answer the questions.
"do you have kids?"
or
"are you dating anyone?"
It will lead to a sad story and why ruin a strangers day, so you just dodge the questions all together.
Mostly there were times I was hanging by a thread. I didn't want to ruin my day after I fragile patched myself up together again and again. Patching up for me was like dark sunglasses on, convertible ride and a bottle of wine. I couldn't risk an outburst. Right now, I can talk about him without cracking. I don't know how life can go on without him but somehow I'm doing it, I hate it, but I do it.
But it goes on
And its the hardest thing I've ever done.
Sometimes I feel resentful for people who haven't been though a loss like, A.
Maybe one day I won't be so judgmental towards people who have their loved ones with them, yet still complain.
Until that day I keep remembering all the gifts A's life brought to me.
Feel more kindles and less resentful, it will help you.
I know the dreams you will have.
I know that you will be in a cloud for legit a year.
I know that grief will rip you away come morning and it will feel like a dream, well a horrible nightmare.
I know that you will hate when you wake up covered in tears after you have just had a dream with him. Grief will pull you towards your family and your friends who understood your love because they get it because together you will be able to shield your hearts together from the pain.
I've seen the shadow of my parents faces staring at me with concern, worry and broken hearts, I hate the sad eyes. I hope my family doesn't read this, mostly so they wont have to relive the pain.
I know that inside of grief there is love, so much love.
A's death had cracked me in a million pieces, but it has opened me up to who I truly am. I have no more armor and annihilates any threshold I had for pain. Grief has left me bare for all to see.
It will feel like your whole body is in constant pain, and you will have to coach yourself to breath. For a while you will just hear white noise and you wont even notice how wet your face is from all the tears.
But
There is another side of grief.
I only know this side only a little right now, as I am getting strong day by day. It has been a little over two years for me. This side shows you how fucking brave you are in your new life. When you walk the precipice between grief and love you have an ability for others to bear down their shields and let their hearts be seen.
There will be one day where you don't think about it all the time and you may feel guilty, but this is survival. We have to move forward, I have to keep going. I had the same dream twice where A tells me to "keep running".
Grief has taught me how resilient the mind and human body can be.
There will be moment of happiness.
I still look at the stars before I go in for bed.
I still get chills when a helicopter travels over my head.
I know how grief turns into love, it is the happier moments that get recalled and it feels like warm ice when Achilles' name gets brought up.
XO,
The Widows Peak
I know how afraid grief makes you of the quiet, of the dark.
I know that it will wake you up at 3:00AM you may walk in circles crying, drive to your parents house and climb into bed with your mother.
How grief makes your mind work so hard to stay out the depths.
How grief makes you cling to every small memory.
How his cloths are like life's breath and how I wished every conversation was penned down and you will keep him in this world for as long as you can.
They say that the depths. of grief represent the fullness of our love. For me that feels bottomless.
I know how grief will knock the wind out of you.
I know how grief will make you avoid parties and phone calls because if you just stay here, suspended in the moment, maybe life won't go on.
Maybe you will never again have to answer the questions.
"do you have kids?"
or
"are you dating anyone?"
It will lead to a sad story and why ruin a strangers day, so you just dodge the questions all together.
Mostly there were times I was hanging by a thread. I didn't want to ruin my day after I fragile patched myself up together again and again. Patching up for me was like dark sunglasses on, convertible ride and a bottle of wine. I couldn't risk an outburst. Right now, I can talk about him without cracking. I don't know how life can go on without him but somehow I'm doing it, I hate it, but I do it.
But it goes on
And its the hardest thing I've ever done.
Sometimes I feel resentful for people who haven't been though a loss like, A.
Maybe one day I won't be so judgmental towards people who have their loved ones with them, yet still complain.
Until that day I keep remembering all the gifts A's life brought to me.
Feel more kindles and less resentful, it will help you.
I know the dreams you will have.
I know that you will be in a cloud for legit a year.
I know that grief will rip you away come morning and it will feel like a dream, well a horrible nightmare.
I know that you will hate when you wake up covered in tears after you have just had a dream with him. Grief will pull you towards your family and your friends who understood your love because they get it because together you will be able to shield your hearts together from the pain.
I've seen the shadow of my parents faces staring at me with concern, worry and broken hearts, I hate the sad eyes. I hope my family doesn't read this, mostly so they wont have to relive the pain.
I know that inside of grief there is love, so much love.
A's death had cracked me in a million pieces, but it has opened me up to who I truly am. I have no more armor and annihilates any threshold I had for pain. Grief has left me bare for all to see.
It will feel like your whole body is in constant pain, and you will have to coach yourself to breath. For a while you will just hear white noise and you wont even notice how wet your face is from all the tears.
But
There is another side of grief.
I only know this side only a little right now, as I am getting strong day by day. It has been a little over two years for me. This side shows you how fucking brave you are in your new life. When you walk the precipice between grief and love you have an ability for others to bear down their shields and let their hearts be seen.
There will be one day where you don't think about it all the time and you may feel guilty, but this is survival. We have to move forward, I have to keep going. I had the same dream twice where A tells me to "keep running".
Grief has taught me how resilient the mind and human body can be.
There will be moment of happiness.
I still look at the stars before I go in for bed.
I still get chills when a helicopter travels over my head.
I know how grief turns into love, it is the happier moments that get recalled and it feels like warm ice when Achilles' name gets brought up.
XO,
The Widows Peak
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