The Light!

I haven't blogged much because I needed some extra minutes to organize my crazy thoughts and really think about where I am going with this blog. My brain is on speed some days and other days it's legit in another universe just floating on. There are times where I don't know how I even get through the day. It's like noon time and I look at myself and I'm like ok, don't look too terrible today. 

This past Sunday, I was on my way home from Boston and I heard a beeping noise and casually watched my tire gage go down from 20, 29, 28 all the way to 14 pounds. I even thought to myself this must be an outer body experience, this couldn't be happening. I pulled over on the highway and I fake cried for like a second and had this feeling like shit, I am all alone here.  I called AAA and waited for the state police who was going to come babysit me (which I was thankful for) while my car shook every time a car went past me. I encouraged Ebony (my car) to hold on, girl. Damn, those cars are driving fast. I was thinking about my dad and how he wanted me to know how to change a spare. Like, is that even safe on the highway? Looking through my bag I found a pack of some recently purchased candy cigarettes. After spending the day at LegoLand with my bestie and her three little guys, I just wanted to go home. Now here I am on the side of the 95 south with a trooper guarding me (nice guy) chain eating/smoking my candy cigs. Mostly thinking about Achilles. I do on the daily, but more so when I am in a pickle, which feels like a lot lately. 

That low tire pressure morning, I had a super weird feeling. I play games with myself and I talk to pennies. I ask Achilles a question in my head and if I get a penny that says 1982 or 1985 (our birth years), it's him talking to me. I got a 1982 penny when buying my coffee. I got a 1982 penny the morning of my tattoo, also. I think he sends me signs all of the time. Say what you want, but I believe it, he would never leave my side, like not even dead. 

The anniversary for A is coming up, it's a strange time for me. This is my birthday, his birthday, our wedding anniversary, and his day. Once it's May 2nd, I am ok-ish. You can't help but think of yourself two years ago on his date. What was I doing April 12th? I remember April two years ago there  was a lot of green card talk. A lot of relief because things were finally going to be all set after a year of stress. I remember Achilles running home and walking into the kitchen and the two of us were jumping up and down screaming because he got good news! Like, fucking finally! I remember saying, 'I am so happy for you' and his response was, 'I am happy for US'. I remember April being exciting. I also remember him waking up and saying that he had a bad dream. It's impossible to not think about every single detail and try your best to walk through April two years ago in my brain. One morning, he woke up (he had a lot of dreams) and looked super worried. He called his father in Egypt and talked to him on Arabic. Legit no idea what was going on as I was getting ready for work. 

I kept asking if everything was ok. That whole week Achilles looked off in another universe like where I am most days. He was even wearing his shell necklace, which he did when he missed home. Is my life a movie? Even though he was happy with his exciting news, he seemed far away. Even now I just think he knew something bad was about to happen. He was like that, it use to freak me out. Life sucks.

I've been listening to the Khloe Kardashian news, and a lot of recent Hollywood couples breaking up. You can't help but think like money really doesn't but you happiness and like no many people are in these bull shit fake relationships and forcing something that isn't meant to be. Girls that give guys an ultimatum, that's dumb! If someone wants you, they will be hunting you down. I used to push Achilles out of my car and say, 'go date some other Americans' but he wouldn't. I get a hurricane in my mind when someone likes me. I don't know why, maybe fear that that it won't work out. I remember a girl who was a friend of a friend sending me a message. She told me whatever happens, try your best to look to the light. Even in your darkest days look at the light. I think about that sometimes. I thought about it this week when I thought about the highway flat tire. How it didn't blow when I was driving? How someone was watching me and still keeping me safe. Today I walked into work and while in the elevator, having a full on conversation I noticed a bird shit on my coat. Obviously, I was bitching about it and was major dramatic walking into the bathroom throwing my bags on the floor and cleaning of this trashy bird's shit. All day everyone was like, that's a sign of luck... Listen - my light has been dimmed and my luck has been shit. So if I needed a bird to shit on me for a reality check, amen. I saw a picture of myself today from a couple years ago and I don't look the same. My whole face looks different to me. I remember saying that to my mom. She sees it, too. She knows. I want my light back. Everything you have been through is a set up for your next best season. I want to walk around and make people have to wear sunglasses because I am so bright. I wanna be bright with life, happiness, and love. I want to be happy again. I want to take this heartbreaking experience and wash it off for my new season of living. 
 
XO,
 
The Widows Peak

Comments

Popular Posts