My Love

I have my (cousin) editor read all of my blog posts. I appreciate her honest feedback, mostly because I don't know what the fuck I am doing 99.9% of the time. I am in a writing slump lately. If the shit is boring it's just blablabla words on a screen. You would read anything but if it's not inspiring or you don't get those warm fuzzy feelings, what's the point? I have been lacking that warm fuzzy feeling. I saw my therapist last week and I told her how utterly useless I have been. She made a good point. She's like, 'Lynne, it's the anniversary coming up, cut yourself some slack. Laying on the couch and feeling blah is ok. Its ok to be boring.' I mean, I even feel like my fashion sense is lost and I hate driving car with the dirty mats but I just don't have the energy to wash them. I am been really trying to listen to myself. I have been eating super well and I've been trying had to go to bed early. If I don't want to do something, I just don't do it. 

I ditch plans a lot but that's the price you pay if you want to be friends with me these days. Sometimes I just can't have mindless chatter. Last week, I walked into a bar with two gay guys. Wow, this sounds like a joke but it's totally not... A guy asked to buy me a drink and I was like, 'oh ok, wait I don't feel like talking.' I was like actually, 'no I don't feel like a drink and I don't want to talk and make small talk.' Afterwards, I walked into my apartment to find my mother waiting for me. I casually told her I ran into a friend of a friend and there was a drink offer and all of a sudden a battery of questions. Make it stop, no more questions! 

Dating or letting another person into my world scares the shit out of me. That is something that will be on my own time. Someone asked me today if I am going to think about getting back out there. My small stint of being out there resulted in a few hot makeout sessions with a boyfriend cheater and I all of a sudden has numerous dicks on my phone and men who wanted to show me videos. I crawled back into my hole after that and decided I needed more solo time. I'd rather stay at home and talk to myself. Dating legit gives me major anxiety, I just know how happy we were and it scares me to think about a mediocre relationship that it just feels like everyone else around me has. 

Saturday, it occurred to me that I still didn't get my tattoo. The one I've been talking about now for 2 years. I made plans with one of my favorite besties and we went together to get tattoos that match our souls. I watched the tattoo artist draw on my left wrist, 'My love'. I had a flash of the pain from all of the healing I have done but also of all the love we had for each other. I will always love him and I miss him every second of my day. But I thought about how bored and lonely I've been and how much it would suck if I didn't try again.
I found the 'My Love' handwritten on the back page of the green notebook Achilles used to record his workouts. It was sitting face-up when I plopped onto my couch the first time I went back to my apartment. It's still a mystery how it landed there or when Achilles wrote that. I always wonder if he wrote it that night before I took him to the hospital...

I think about now what's next for me. Not going lie, I am kind bored with writing these sad ass blogs. I am bored with my day to day routine. After everything happened, I have felt so exposed. I might as well could have been standing butt naked in downtown Boston. Someone said to me, 'This is interesting. It's like a window into your head.' I kind of gasped because again this is vulnerable. When I started the blog I also thought whatever, life is short, but maybe this is what I am meant to do, heal other precious beings.














XO,
The Widows Peak 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular Posts