The Second Waltz

What is the point of having a secret, secret stash of wine/vodka if you don't replenish it? Come on, Lynne, get it together.  Also, why aren't liquor stores open 24 hours? I should have taken a nip off Mikey's desk when I stopped home today.  Why the heck are 20-somethings obsessed with fireballs? Pathetic. Legit not a single drop in this apartment. Have resorted to drinking a seltzer. I am so pissed.

A lot of things scare me. I am a full blown OCD psycho. I take pictures of my straightener before I leave for work, just so I know it's off for reals. If I cook, I check the stove 70 times and check that the door is locked 50 times and I walk back and forth like 4 times before I go to bed and check check check everything. I called this my, 'triple checker disease' (irony). I can trace this inherited mutation all the way back to my mother, but my cousin seems to share the same affliction, so it might be from both gene pools. I am trying to remember if I have always been like this and I think I have? Is this normal? I learned that someone from my family unit was rushed to the hospital Friday night. No one wanted to share this news with me. Translation: my people are afraid to tell me anything scary for fear I will lose my shit/fall behind/stop progressing make me worry, etc. (need vodka) 

Even knowing this person is ok now, a sudden, a consuming rush of panic takes over me and I become another version of myself.  It takes me back to my frozen paralyzing numbness scary awfulness and I subsequently, I have felt upside-down all day. I was scared. I am still scared. I can't lose anyone else. I need my people. Can everyone just eat fucking apples, grapes, chicken, stop drinking (need vodka) take vitamins, be healthy (must call trainer, therapist, write, do yoga, get nails/hair/waxing done, look good, feel good, pay bills, save money, make out, not make out, date, no dating, only cheap making-outs for now). All of this frantic shit is constantly swirling around in my fucking brain. 

After an afternoon of closely monitoring my family's breathing (psycho) and eating spaghetti squash, I am back at my place, in my safe little bubble. I have been listening to the new Ed Sheeran song featuring Andrea Bocelli over and over again. I love it and I know that A would have this on repeat, too. My brother sent it to me. I love people's sudden ways of showing love. I know he was thinking the same thing that I was... that's what I love most about my brothers. They don't exactly talk about A everyday, but, they have subtle ways of expressing their love for him, me, and how much we all miss him.

Andre Rieu is my love. The Second Waltz. There are songs that take me to my happy place and make me think of A. I cry a little, then a lot. I stop, feel ok only to cry again. It makes me want to run to Logan, get on a plane, fly to Vienna, and dance in the street with this song. 

I woke up from a nap while I was visiting my parents (worst company ever) and heard myself whisper, 'A? where are you?' That's when I heard this song, The Second Waltz.  A followed the music and turns out it was a commercial. I walked down the stairs and found my dad asleep with this music in high. I listened to this over and over again after he passed. He loved Andrea Rieu. Once we got everything settled for an actual wedding this was going to be our wedding song. Kinda sounds like you're on a carousel and I love it. There is a dreamy vision on my brain when I hear this -  A and my mother dancing in the living room. I remember watching them dancing one night together laughing and thinking how lucky I am to have this man, this song, my mom, this blog.....ugh it's so emotional. 

My weekends are different now. I won't wake up to Italian music, omelettes, or gym routines on my fridge. But, deep down I know most people will never get the chance to wake up to Italian music and waltzing in the living room. In a strange way, that helps me cope. I know that not everyone will ever have what I had...The peak isn't so high today. 

Deep down within me is the ability to learn and grow. You are not born with a fixed amount of resilience. Like a muscle (must get back to trainer) you can build up, draw on it, when you need it. In that process you will figure out who you really are - and you just might become the best version of yourself. 

I must go make sure my stove and straightener are off and that the door is locked (70 times) before I go to bed.


Goodnight Andre Rieu, I will waltz in my dreams.




The Widow's Peak xo




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