Puzzles

I don't see my therapist as frequently as I was saw her in the beginning. Sometimes I feel like I don't even need her, but then I always feel a lot better after I do. It's like dumping the trash. I love being able to talk freely about shit and not have to worry that something I say could get back to someone and ruffle feathers.  When I leave I feel like some of my shiny is peeking out through the cracks of my brokenness and my spirit is coming back to life.  This healing process feels like it's been extremely long with a lot of tears and so many mini outbursts. There are times I don't think I am doing better but then, when I think back, I realize how far I have come. I used to need to sleep with my mom. For months, I was slept in my parents bed with my mom. Or I would crash on the couch at their house and my dad would sleep next to me on the floor. There were nights I just wanted to be at my place alone, so would try only to find myself walking in circles, drinking way too much wine, driving to my parents' house, stumbling in and hyperventilating. Then I would go to work the next day at the most horrible job in the universe with horribly ugly looking at me faces.  


Good news is, I haven't done this in a super long time (phew) and I love my new job. It's like having your pieces scrambled all over the universe and trying to collect them one by one and glue them back together. Over and over and over again. (I hate puzzles) The pieces don't seem to end up looking like the picture on the box anymore because I am so different now. I am not the same version of myself. After one of my mini outbursts I asked my mom, 'Why did he even come into my life?' She said, 'You're different now, he made you into a way better person than you already were.' That made me realize the beauty of becoming brand new again. Over and over again. It made me think about how much we are constantly changing and evolving into a better version of ourselves.

I think that's what annoys me the most. I remember someone making a comment about how I was different now, like that was supposed to insult me? Well, thank fucking god, I am different. Who wants to be the same person they were when they were 22? I certainly don't.

I have to believe the universe sends you everything for a meaning. I saw a medium, after A passed and she told me in every lifetime I am a medicine woman, and I am going to heal a lot of people. I have to think that I am next in line for a miracle. You can't ever give up hope. Prepare for what's coming once you get out of the in between stages. Whatever is coming, I fucking deserve it. I know A, won't leave me hanging.

I am the conjurer of my own inner beauty, and the queen of rejuvenating myself. I do my best work when I feel inspired and I can hear myself laughing. I want authenticity that is intoxicating and driven by love. I own my own messy, and I am a fucking wicked stardust mess in every sense of beautiful. Not everyone will understand me but they can watch me pave my own path to bravery. 

The Widows Peak,
XO


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